It’s still a mess…

One day I’m searching for workaway opportunities, the next I’m looking for a master’s programs abroad in Germany, but what about Portugal?
The following evening I come across some art residency programs and after a few minutes I start questioning myself, why I’m still at work?!

Waking up, I think to myself why haven’t I sent my one-month notice to leave work yet? On the way to work, I start practicing what I will be saying to my seniors, my thoughts interrupted by those honking. At work, I don’t even know how I should feel.

I talk to my friends and they tell me to take things slowly and not to rush. And I’m not entirely sure what my mom thinks of all of these mood swings with me every other day after work, coming to her with a new plan.

Does work have to be stressful? That’s part of it. But, having a stressful job that I’m growing tired of and getting more responsibilities while in fact I want to get back to being in a new country, discovering it, Travelling solo isn’t always sunshine and rainbows and such. But knowing that I still want more of that adventurous life, with no routine makes me want to pause that job 10 to 6 ( actually 7 and 8) job.

But should I travel? or check an art residency program? or do my master’s? or is there some other plan that I haven’t discovered yet that I should be doing? What is the RIGHT move?

I don’t even know what I should be looking for…

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Post-travel (to be updated)

So, I was reading the description of this event about a trip to Siwa on New Year’s eve. And part of the description went like, “…don’t ask about what we’re going to do there, ask what we WON’T be doing there!!”

My face just went blank with that overly enthusiastic description. I thought to myself I could go and just skip whatever activities they will be doing, also, i felt like,”Maaaaan, how old am I to be thinking that way?!”

These days (especially since I’ve been back from my portugal trip) I really feel like i just want to sit in a secluded place by myself, with my thoughts and try and figure out what I feel like doing next.
I avoided using the word ‘should’ because what I SHOULD be doing is stay at my job and go up the ladder as my senior told me a few days ago that she’s expecting me to get a better ranking within just a couple of months. And another option for the ‘Should’ if I’m not liking that first one is accept that other job offer that seems more exciting because it’s more related to what I really want to do (or what I THINK I want to do).
But since I’m not feeling both of those ‘should’ options, I feel like I need some time to myself, and there’s this thing about secluded/new places where you are closer to nature and you might magically figure out what you next step in life should be. Though saying ‘Life’ is such a big word, let’s just say, my next step for this year.

I’m really confused about what I should be doing because I know what i feel like doing, but something doesn’t feel right about it, maybe because quitting your job, workawaying for 3 to 4 months, first in Egypt then heading over to Asia for the rest of the remaining time and hoping to come across someone or something that lands this perfect plan in front of me isn’t much of a plan. But that tiny, childishly optimistic part inside of me just keeps thinking that maybe when I’m out of my normal circle I might stumble across something that would turn into this moment when I’d say,”Why haven’t I thought of doing that before?!”

See you in a couple of months with an update (hopefully).

Maybe not? 

You’re an asshole. 

This is your current status to me, it’s been decided. 

But then, I remember this thing you told me to do, it was a good thing, you were pushing me to do good. 

An asshole doesn’t do that. 

And at times, you tried to fight my stubborn mind and advise me like a caring person who’s looking out for me. I liked that. 

And an asshole doesn’t do that. 

You reminded me to do that thing that would make my mom happy. 

An asshole wouldn’t do that either. 

Sometimes I ask myself if you’re that kind of person who people would warn you from but under that outter shell you’re all those good things you made me do. And that you’re just misunderstood? 

But no, this seems much like a scenario that would exist in a movie.  And I can’t possibly be that good at analyzing people. 

If I’m seeing you as an asshole now and you’re doing nothing NOW to prove me wrong, then, unfortunately you must be an asshole… (Even though I don’t want you to be). 

My black cloud of silliness

I told myself at first I don’t need a rollercoaster ride of emotions and I should follow my personal rule and move past it and enjoy the teacup ride by myself. But ever since Thailand, I’ve been trying to go with the flow a bit and not give things much thought… So, I went back and thought  whatever, I’ll just grab a seat on that roller coaster, enjoy the current moment and I won’t think about what’s going to happen next. Just enjoy the now part.

Turns out, not thinking about the “Next” wasn’t easy, I was always tempted by thinking about what will happen next since the “now” was so exciting at times. The joy of it doesn’t last for long, I’m not sure if it’s because the now had its ups and downs or if the next part wasn’t happening as I thought it should.
Silly thoughts affected me,silly thoughts controlled me, silly thoughts ruined my day. A black cloud made from silly thoughts was over me.

I was disappointed in myself for being so weak, for not being able to protect myself from these thoughts and surrendering so easily.

I couldn’t keep that silliness all to myself, I had to tell someone, even though I already know how I should control it, to just cut it off. I felt that I needed someone to tell me, you have the right to get upset, it’s not silly, or sometimes I just wanted to hear them tell me what to do about all of this. Even though I knew that their advice wasn’t necessarily the right advice for a person like me who doesn’t like being so obvious to people to avoid getting hurt.

I didn’t want to get attached, I thought I could control it. But as it turned out, I got attached so quickly and now my days are centered around one subject. It would just be easier if I could pretend as if nothing is going on because I don’t even know what is going on.

My rambling should stop now, I felt like I needed to write something instead of talking to someone because I believe no one has the solution for whatever is going on.
And yes, there’s a big chance my future-self would slap me for this post. Sorry. Bye.

 

A “Too long for Twitter” post

It’s like people stopped caring but care that others should care about them.

And right now, in this moment I’m all “I don’t care, I need to be selfish now and process my thoughts, I’m sure others would understand” but there’s this tiny bit in your brain that is squeezing itself in that train of thought , telling you that they won’t understand and they might not necessarily forgive you because all they would see is that you don’t care enough about them and so they should do the same a put you aside, they won’t understand that you’re trying to understand YOURSELF.
They won’t understand that you need to be selfish at that moment that happens to be when they need you to proof your existence in their world.

If you yourself can’t figure out what’s going on with you, then how would others get it?

You hope they would, but I’m thinking they won’t.

What sucks the most is that an explanation is expected, people expect an explanation when something doesn’t go the way it should have (in their mind at least).
When someone doesn’t show up, when someone doesn’t interact.
But then why should I explain myself?
I should maintain my right to not have to explain an inner conflict and not wanting to interact with humans, shouldn’t I?

You from your eyes expect to not owe an explanation, while they see that an explanation is their right.

It all comes down to this.
People won’t get you, you wont get others and others wont get others; none of us is a mind-reader and predictions are based on personal thoughts not thoughts based on understanding/knowing the thoughts of that other person.

P.S. This is not an issue I’m facing in a “romantic” relationship.

The things… Things.

There are whole loads of things that I need to worry less about. They’re taking up much of my time, space in my mind and when I think of it, my spirit too. I don’t know how these things managed to creep up and take all of this huge space inside of me and how easily my emotions get tangled by them. I should start learning how to control them and constantly remind myself that these things are NOT important not just a thought that I would forget about the next day and continue my routine of getting caught in this non-sense that’s not gonna get me anywhere.

When do “men” actually intend to grow up? I see 30 year olds still acting like silly kids.

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