My black cloud of silliness

I told myself at first I don’t need a rollercoaster ride of emotions and I should follow my personal rule and move past it and enjoy the teacup ride by myself. But ever since Thailand, I’ve been trying to go with the flow a bit and not give things much thought… So, I went back and thought  whatever, I’ll just grab a seat on that roller coaster, enjoy the current moment and I won’t think about what’s going to happen next. Just enjoy the now part.

Turns out, not thinking about the “Next” wasn’t easy, I was always tempted by thinking about what will happen next since the “now” was so exciting at times. The joy of it doesn’t last for long, I’m not sure if it’s because the now had its ups and downs or if the next part wasn’t happening as I thought it should.
Silly thoughts affected me,silly thoughts controlled me, silly thoughts ruined my day. A black cloud made from silly thoughts was over me.

I was disappointed in myself for being so weak, for not being able to protect myself from these thoughts and surrendering so easily.

I couldn’t keep that silliness all to myself, I had to tell someone, even though I already know how I should control it, to just cut it off. I felt that I needed someone to tell me, you have the right to get upset, it’s not silly, or sometimes I just wanted to hear them tell me what to do about all of this. Even though I knew that their advice wasn’t necessarily the right advice for a person like me who doesn’t like being so obvious to people to avoid getting hurt.

I didn’t want to get attached, I thought I could control it. But as it turned out, I got attached so quickly and now my days are centered around one subject. It would just be easier if I could pretend as if nothing is going on because I don’t even know what is going on.

My rambling should stop now, I felt like I needed to write something instead of talking to someone because I believe no one has the solution for whatever is going on.
And yes, there’s a big chance my future-self would slap me for this post. Sorry. Bye.

 

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