It’s still a mess…

One day I’m searching for workaway opportunities, the next I’m looking for a master’s programs abroad in Germany, but what about Portugal?
The following evening I come across some art residency programs and after a few minutes I start questioning myself, why I’m still at work?!

Waking up, I think to myself why haven’t I sent my one-month notice to leave work yet? On the way to work, I start practicing what I will be saying to my seniors, my thoughts interrupted by those honking. At work, I don’t even know how I should feel.

I talk to my friends and they tell me to take things slowly and not to rush. And I’m not entirely sure what my mom thinks of all of these mood swings with me every other day after work, coming to her with a new plan.

Does work have to be stressful? That’s part of it. But, having a stressful job that I’m growing tired of and getting more responsibilities while in fact I want to get back to being in a new country, discovering it, Travelling solo isn’t always sunshine and rainbows and such. But knowing that I still want more of that adventurous life, with no routine makes me want to pause that job 10 to 6 ( actually 7 and 8) job.

But should I travel? or check an art residency program? or do my master’s? or is there some other plan that I haven’t discovered yet that I should be doing? What is the RIGHT move?

I don’t even know what I should be looking for…

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Post-travel (to be updated)

So, I was reading the description of this event about a trip to Siwa on New Year’s eve. And part of the description went like, “…don’t ask about what we’re going to do there, ask what we WON’T be doing there!!”

My face just went blank with that overly enthusiastic description. I thought to myself I could go and just skip whatever activities they will be doing, also, i felt like,”Maaaaan, how old am I to be thinking that way?!”

These days (especially since I’ve been back from my portugal trip) I really feel like i just want to sit in a secluded place by myself, with my thoughts and try and figure out what I feel like doing next.
I avoided using the word ‘should’ because what I SHOULD be doing is stay at my job and go up the ladder as my senior told me a few days ago that she’s expecting me to get a better ranking within just a couple of months. And another option for the ‘Should’ if I’m not liking that first one is accept that other job offer that seems more exciting because it’s more related to what I really want to do (or what I THINK I want to do).
But since I’m not feeling both of those ‘should’ options, I feel like I need some time to myself, and there’s this thing about secluded/new places where you are closer to nature and you might magically figure out what you next step in life should be. Though saying ‘Life’ is such a big word, let’s just say, my next step for this year.

I’m really confused about what I should be doing because I know what i feel like doing, but something doesn’t feel right about it, maybe because quitting your job, workawaying for 3 to 4 months, first in Egypt then heading over to Asia for the rest of the remaining time and hoping to come across someone or something that lands this perfect plan in front of me isn’t much of a plan. But that tiny, childishly optimistic part inside of me just keeps thinking that maybe when I’m out of my normal circle I might stumble across something that would turn into this moment when I’d say,”Why haven’t I thought of doing that before?!”

See you in a couple of months with an update (hopefully).

عجبًا

عجبًا لإهتمام يأتيك وأنت لم تطلُبه و إهتمام تطلُبه ولا يأتيك

عجبًا لِمَن سعى للاهتمام وإن ناله أخيرًا ملّ من كَثرَته

وعجبًا لِمَن سعى للإهتمام لكن لم يحصُل  عليه  وان جاءه متأخرًا رفَضه

عجبًا لأُناس يزورها السكون بدون سابق إنذار وأصبحوا كعابر السبيل الذي ترك أثاره على الرمال التي سرعان ماستختفي مع رياح الوقت

 وعجبًا لإهتمام كَرِهته ونَفَرت منه ولكن سُرعان مالاحقتك افضاله عليك فترجع رغمًا عنك وخطط الهروب لا تفارقك

عجبًا لمن كره الإهتمام وإذا فارقه نَدِم

وأكثر العجب لمن خلط الكلام بالإهتمام

بلا وجع دماغ

لو لقيت أي صفة من الصفات اللي تحت يبقى تعرف إن الشخص ده هيندّل معاك قريب قوي فـاقطع معاه  من دلوقتي بدل ماتكره اليوم اللي عرفت فيه واحد زيه

:الصفات كالآتي

بيحاول يغلطك بـأي طريقة حتى لو اللي هيقولوا ده مش صح المهم إنه برنس وعمره مابيغلط –

وقت مايبقى مخنوق لازم ينكد عليك  ويشاركك احاسيسه مش إنتوا صحاب برده؟ –
وفجأة بقى عشان هو بقى مبسوط فـإنت مفروض تنسى  الطريقة اللي كان بيعملك بيها  وتتبسط برده معاه اصله فاكر الدنيا هتمشي على مزاجه-

إنت مينفعش تعمل حاجة تضايقه هو بس اللي يضايقك لو إنت ضايقته يبقى عيب عليك ومايصحش الطريقة ده مع صاحبك –

 بارع في تأليف القصص  ونصيحة مش لازم تقولوا إنك عارف اللي فيها عشان  ساعات الواحد بيكون زهقان  و عايز حاجة تسليه  و ديه تسلية بـبلاش كمان –

يضايقك  ويروح مقابلك  بـابتسامة –

 لما يتضايق منك  يتكلم عليك  مع الناس  ويخليهم يكرهوك  ولا كأنك كنت صاحبه –

 ممكن تكون مساعده في حاجات كتير وعامله جمايل كتير  بس يبيعك  في لحظة … ذاكرة سمكة –

 انتهز فرصة إنك كنت قافل موبايلك و يقول إنه كلمك أصله ميعرفش إن لما بتفتحه بيقولك مين اتكلم –

بيختفي اختفاء غريب مرة واحدة  وساعة ما يجيله المزاج يظهر مرة واحدة برضه –

My illusion, your illusion and their illusion

We are living in a world inside the real world which others created for us to live in. We think we are living in the world created by God. But that’s the illusion. That real world is long gone, we are not familiar with it anymore. They want us to think that all if these events are happening naturally. We are getting distracted by accidents happening. Accidents fabricated from a long time waiting for the right moment to happen.
Accidents arent natural at all but are actually created by people with a different level of imagination. Not the one that we call crazy. Not the one that we call random. And definitely not the one we call weird. A whole different level of imagination we aren’t familiar of. An imagination that gets you thinking that everything is real. We are illusioned and distracted by life problems and different events happening each and every year.
There comes a moment when you realise, does it deserve all of this? What im doing, would it actually matter at the end? All of this might be in vain. Significant small events that would matter to the person but what would it change in a world that is controlled by others. Does it deserve all of this thinking? Is all of this complication worth it? Everything should be far more simple. How nice would that be for a change? What is being hidden behind these events? What is the true goal behind all of these events created by some sick minds.

Who are these people? How the hell would I know.

But one factor that I know of, the one that is feeding these people and the sick imagination is Greed. Do these people realise that they are going to die at the end? And all of this would be gone? I’m sure that this thought crossed their minds. Then why all of this preparation? Is it for generations to come.
I think I’m done guessing for now. Because once again all of this won’t matter to anyone, im just letting some thoughts out of the cage that has been created by the fear of non-sense, what others think and several other factors that get built with every obstacle we face.

The thing is you’re living in another third that you’ve created for your own. Everyone has his own world of course. A world that occasionally  collides with the illusion of the real world that is hiding the REAL world. Yea, it would be much easier if everything was simple.

And since it’s the first day of 2012, I feel obliged to say Happy new year but I wont. Now how did I spend the last hour of 2011? I was sleeping.

Am I turning to a dull pessimistic person? I think not but every one has his moments.

Life is simple!

So today I learnt that if you chase something it really won’t come to you! Most of the time at least. And I’m not saying to let go of your dreams and let them come to you, of course not! You gotta work for what you want to earn! But sometimes if you OVER plan stuff, they may not happen, you can’t predict what would be the reactions of the people around you and if things would go as you plan in your head to achieve this certain goal…unless you can predict the future then that’s another thing! : D
Life sure is difficult to handle at times but we tend to over think stuff which eventually leads to complicating them more than they really are.
So if you’re feeling mad for some reason, stop and ask yourself is it really worth it?? Do I really want to ruin the rest of my day for this reason that I wont be remembering after a year or so? Why waste a day from your life feeling angry…And as cheesy as this might sound but just take a deep breath and smile, it really does work! : ) 

It’s like when you lose something so you keep looking and looking for it but you only find it when you don’t need it!  

So yea, things do happen when you’re least expecting  them and they just might be better than what you were expecting in the first place! And don’t wait for second chances because it’s either there won’t be a second chance or its gonna take time, so just grab and hold you first one!!

I’m waiting for the real plan.

Things not going as you planned doesn’t mean that things went wrong, it just means that they are going in a way that’s planned FOR you not BY you. You may be pissed that what you had in mind didnt work at this time nor place but it’s because there are other events planned for you which are going to lead to certain changes in your life, these changes/details might be minor and seem trivial or you might not even notice them. But they do affect you and their effect may take place tomorrow or after a month and I do believe that “Everything happens for a reason”. The turn in events isn’t only meant to change your own life but you might be playing a role as well in another person’s life and the stuff that happens in yours makes you take a certain path that crosses with another persons path. Im not saying it’s easy to accept these changes and things didnt go as planned because sometimes it might be really hard and you start to be pissed and then start thinking why does this happen to me?! It’s not why it didnt happen to you, it hasn’t happened YET! You just took a wrong turn thinking this it was the right way and you were supposed to wait for the turn that’s after that but that wrong turn you just took has its effects on you and adds to your life experience. Some might give up at this wrong turn and just go home and like that your letting it affect you negatively so DON’T!

Experiences aren’t meant for you to give up but to learn something new in your life and maybe the experience you just went through is for you to learn a certain lesson that you’re gonna need later on in larger scale or something.
And also when things dont go as planned dont get pissed easily and ruin the rest of you day, maybe you could just have 10 minutes to be pissed and then let it go because no body likes spending the rest of his day furious w mashy yeshtem f 5al2 allah!! It’s not supposed to go like that. Just say El7amd lel allah and go on. You should know that what’s planned for you IS better than what u thought you got planned for yourself. But we humans tend to forget easily so keep reminding yourself that you’ll have to wait for the real plan to happen! : )
غداً يومٌ أفضل على رأي مشروع ليلى

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMadTojoJc8

But you don’t have to wait for tomorrow to get better start from now.

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